Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
