pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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