I'm sorry my penis didn't work
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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