i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
