I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Let's get the cat blown out
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
