I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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