Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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