I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I met the friendliest cop last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
