he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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