Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
