I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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