So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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