I'm laying in your front yard are you home
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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