I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
