So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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