They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
