my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
