I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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