Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
