So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
God I need to hump something, right now.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
