eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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