Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
