He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
