Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
