Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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