I wish my penis had an off switch
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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