Im at strip club and am horny
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear