remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen