as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila