Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
