Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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