That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
