sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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