At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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