I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm getting married
To pizza
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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