I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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