cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
