Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
