My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
