One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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