i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
