I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
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My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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