dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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