he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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