The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
