I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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