sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
