A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
