I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
