dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
