i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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