Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
