I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
