Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
