I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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