one two three fourrrrnication!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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